I’m feeling like I’m headed for a Breakdown
I don’t know why
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know, right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
At the risk of getting a little too personal and honest on this blog, for the last few months, I have been experiencing what, in its simplest form, can be described as “being in a funk.” In fact, a pretty major one. Saying that I’m just in a funk keeps me from using the heavy words like Stress, Anxiety, and the dreaded “Depression.” I call on one of my 4 best friends (who lives all the way in Australia) nearly every day just to bitch and cry about just about everything that has been frustrating me lately. And it has been a lot – the husband, the kids, my work hours, lack of sleep, Atlanta traffic – everything! In fact, I think she’s a blessing from God for even still agreeing to take my call!
This comes as a surprise to many people who know me because I’ve never really been like this before. Most people have always seen me as a pretty happy and optimistic person. I’ve enjoyed life and been thankful for for blessings that have come to me. I used to find humor in all situations and let things slide off my back pretty easily. Now, I can’t figure out how that has changed. I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize the person I’m seeing. While, there’s still a part of me that recognizes that things could be so much worse and that I really have been blessed with a lot, there’s another part of me that just constantly feels defeated and like I’ve completely lost control of my life somehow. That is the part that consumes me….and it stinks!
Then, I struggle with some serious guilt for even having this feeling. I mean, I have 2 wonderful healthy kids, a supportive husband, a stable job, and so much more. I’ve wanted this…I’ve prayed for this! So now, how dare I complain about how my toddler calls my name too much or me not getting enough sleep or how my husband won’t help with housework? Why can’t I just be happy???
So, I’ve been dealing this pretty quietly for the past few months and finally opened up about it to some friends of mine in my mom’s group during our monthly meeting. Ironically, the topic of our discussion last night was to go over the vision boards we created in the beginning of the year and to just see how many of those visions were met. Even before meeting, I became consumed with defeat. I called my best friend and got the pity party started. “Nothing on my vision board has come true! I haven’t accomplished a thing! My life sucks! This year sucked!” And so on…glass half empty!
Anyway, at our meeting, I finally shared my struggle with the girls and found an overwhelming amount of not only support, but perspective. One piece of insight that particularly resonated with me came from my friend and fellow blogger, Maria (Mamalicious Maria). She’s married and just had her 4th baby, but still manages to do amazing things in her life and for others while still remaining completely sane! Well, she reminded me of something I’ve always believed in – seasons and sacrifices in life. Simply put, this legitimately is a tough time for me and there have been a lot of adjustments to be made this year. I have young children, a crazy schedule, nights with little sleep, a full time job, 2 blogs, a messy house, loads of laundry, a poor diet, and I can go on and on. It’s not easy…for anyone! Sure, I didn’t accomplish certain things on my vision board. I didn’t take any big trips and I didn’t finish my book. But would I have had to sacrifice to have accomplished any of those things? How much more time away from my family would I have to take in order to finish my book or take a trip overseas? And I really have made a few strides on my board. I wanted more success on my blogs and I found that this has been most successful year yet! I got into the Business School program I wanted to and well…I’ll just have to keep hoping to meet Oprah or Michelle Obama or Ellen DeGeneres.
The point is that this is just a season…a really tough one…but a season. One day, my babies will sleep through the night and be able to make their own breakfast in the morning. One day, I’ll be at a point in my career where I can set my own schedule or work from home. One day, I’ll be able to keep my house clean without losing my keys in the toy chest or tripping over Dora dolls. So, just for today, I don’t have to feel so bad about being in a funk. Not that I’m giving up, but there are quite a few things I just don’t and won’t have that much control of right now, but whatever I can do, it’ll be up to me to get back to myself. Not an overnight fix, but hey, life’s a journey right?