The story broke earlier this week entitled “Our double lives: Dark realities behind ‘perfect’ online profiles,” exposing the downside of our obsession with creating a perfect online life. Kiersten Rickenbach Cerveny, a beautiful, successful blond doctor and a married mother of three was found lying in the vestibule of a strange apartment building, underwear stashed in her handbag, dying of a likely drug overdose.
Then the families and friends visit their social media, perhaps for clues. Was there a recent Facebook post that said, “Had a really tough day. Despite all of my material success, I’m void of the things I need to fulfill my soul and I need help.” or simply, “Heading to my drug pusher for a fix because it’s the only way I can cope with my hollow drab life?”
Of course not.
Another very sad instance is 19 year old ivy league student, Madison Holleran, who leaped from building just hours after posting a beautiful, vibrant picture of a cityscape on Instagram. Did the caption read, “Feeling like my walls are caving in. Before you like or comment on this post, would somebody please call me to check on me?”
One of the most popular Instagram photos ever posted (Source: Time Magazine)
Once again, no.
According to a few recent studies, among the most popular Instagram posts – meaning the ones that garner the most likes and comments – are flawless celebrities, shoes, cute dogs, and pretty flowers. Popular does not lend to real or authentic because, as we all know, life is not always flawless, stylish, cute or pretty. It’s just not.
I personally am one of those people who gets gravely annoyed by “perfect” online lives. If I scroll through your profile, blog, etc. and all you share are those obnoxious “My marriage is flawless, “My kids are perfect” “My sh*t doesn’t stink” posts, I WILL BLOCK YOU FROM MY NEWS FEED! We’ll never be friends anyway because clearly, we have nothing in common!
With that said, most people aren’t interested in joining your pity parties either and find some solace in viewing and feeling a part of your perfect online life. This is especially true for us bloggers. We try to share our lives as honestly as possible, but we often get lost in others’ desires to bask in our glories, no matter how falsely glorified they become. I’m guilty of that too to a certain extent. So, lest there be any confusion, let me once and for all clarify for you some of the major honest differences between my real life and my online life:
1. I am not that active.
My mom tells me she’s impressed as she looks at my profiles showing all of the fun and exciting things I take part in with my children, all of the events we go to, and places we explore as a family. The truth is, we only go to a select few events we are invited to through my blog life and outside of those, we are pretty damn lazy. There are many evenings and weekends where I am too exhausted to do a single thing. We sit at home doing absolutely nothing, with me playing games on my phone while Disney Junior babysits my kids. I don’t post about that.
2. I smile in pictures even when I’m not happy.
Sometimes, I’m sad, tired, frustrated or just simply out of it. But when the camera is on me, I am just programmed to say “cheese.” Who wants to see me in a group photo frowning or looking frustrated? No one. Instead, we capture this beautiful, vibrant, happy photo that will forever forge a happy memory and think perhaps when we view this picture years from now, we will forget about the truth behind how we felt immediately preceding and following the click of the photo.
3. Photos I take in my home are “staged.”
I can rarely just snap a blog post-ready photo of any angle in my home. Why? Because my house is ALWAYS messy! Any truly impromptu photo in my home would have in the background an overflowing trash can, clothes on the floor, stains on the carpet, and a slew of other unappealing messes that are a fixture in my home.
4. I’m not always that cultured or sophisticated
Sure, I want the world to see me as this as this super cultured, worldly, intelligent and socially conscience individual. I can be all of those things at times, but if I’m being honest, I sometimes watch (and enjoy) some pretty mindless and socially genocidal television – the Real Housewives franchise (Jersey is my favorite), Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives, etc. I love a good train wreck sometimes and to be frank, they make me feel better about my own life. As badly as I want to post my WTF comments about these online, I instead opt for commentary on intelligent and socially acceptable TV programs. What would people think of me if they knew I followed the Stevie J – Jocelyn drama?
5. I don’t post anything about marriage when I’m arguing with my husband.
…which about a year ago was pretty often. I had a friend ask me offline, “Did you get a divorce?” I told her “No” and asked why she thought that. She said it was because she hadn’t seen him in my Facebook pictures and I haven’t posted anything about him in a while. Now, he’s not very big on social media so I don’t post about him too often anyway, but she was right. I wasn’t happy with him and I refused to fake a “happy family” image on my profile. We’re doing much better in our marriage now, so he’s started making appearances in my profile again.
6. I don’t typically post pictures with an alcoholic drink in my hand.
I love wine. I drink wine. A lot, though responsibly. If I had a picture taken every time I had a drink in my hand while out in public, you’d probably think I was an alcoholic. My church friends would call me to pray and my mom would stage an intervention because yeah…she’s just that dramatic. No thanks!
7. I only “try” to stay positive in my views of the world.
Politics frustrate me. Race relations exhaust me. Religious wars scare me. The most important matters of the world sometimes strip me of every ounce of positivity I contain in my body. I have my own fairly strong opinions about all of it, but I sometimes cannot bring myself to post them because I’m afraid that any continued dialogue and heated debate in the uncensored platform of my “perfect” online life would only drain me and destroy my spirit, while also possibly exposing the hate in some acquaintances I would otherwise generally like.
So there you have it – the authentic inauthentic me! What about you? What are some differences you have between your real life and your online life?
I don’t have time to make stuff up to make myself look good on social media. What you see online is what I am like IRL, too 🙂
Oh…Agreed! If I had to wait to put some makeup on to post a picture of myself, no one would ever see any pictures of me!
I read this very sad article this weekend. This is exactly why my husband hates social media and does not have any FB or Instagram accounts. He has always said that all of this is leading to people being depressed bc they can’t keep up with the Joneses and that what people post is not real 🙁
That’s so true, Carmen.
I love this honest post, I haven’t the energy to be different on social media. Thanks for sharing x
This is an awesome post and it’s good to see this is true for others too. I think it’s hard to be honest and open online when so many random people have access to your content.
Very true, Liz.
I personally do not approve of sharing your life problem especially regarding relationships to social media. People are not concern to you they just want gossip.
Great post Ari! Exactly why we are friends! Keep on keeping it real!!
Yes, Tiffanie. So glad I have friends I can be my real self with and who are their real selves with me too!
I try to keep a healthy balance of pretty and real. And most of the time the pretty is real because it happens so rarely you can bet I am going to document that $hit! 🙂 But I am proud that one of my most popular pictures is a “real” picture of me passed out in a recliner with no makeup and a swollen postpartum face with my newborn cradled in my arms. 🙂 My favorite picture every and I look horrible but the “realness” is beautiful.
I love that, Tracy! There is nothing prettier or real than that image for sure!
I feel sad about the story. Some people have problems that they cannot or don’t want their families to know or get involved. I also read about someone who just committed suicide recently. She was a teenager. I don’t know if her family knows about her problems but some people assumed that she suffered from depression. She expressed her feelings on her photos on social media. Like I said, I feel sad.
With my online life, I am not trying to look perfect for the whole world to see on social media. I am me. Simple happy girl. I don’t put all of my stuff out there because I value my privacy.
Social media is not real life. Not to say that it’s fall about being fake neither. The thing about my social media is that I only post the interesting stuff happening in my life. Nobody wants to see me cleaning or washing my face.
I love this honest post but it’s also true that People are not concern to you they just want gossip.
You never know who is sitting behind the screen and what their problems are. 99% of the time, those that appear to have a perfect life in reality are living a life of hell.
Sad, but true. I just wish these people could have a friend or loved one to be open with.
Totally true. I don’t share everything on my blog. Sometimes it’s just meant ofr close friends and family
I think your honesty is refreshing! lol I tend to “keep it real” online. While I usually share more positive, happy moments (I mean, who wants to shout from the rooftops how depressed or unhappy they are? No one wants to take photos of their worst moments?) online, I’m a real person. I completely agree with the your perspective on keeping my views of the world more private. It does tend to end in ugliness if it’s brought up for discussion.
Exactly – who wants to shout out from the rooftops how depressed or unhappy they are? I’m actually quicker to share things like that on my blog than I am on Facebook.
This is so true and it also answers why I have not been so active on Facebook recently. Yes, one should remember to not falsely portray themselves on Social media, instead let me tell you what has been working for me; I have a group of friends who are almost like family and we have our own group on WhatApp which is working perfectly for us. The idea is to have people around you who can take you for what you are which we all know is far from “perfect”.
I recently lost a cousin of mine who committed suicide and her last few posts on Facebook was not at all representative of her actions. Please stay away from those around you who expect you to look and be your best at all times.
Lavanya, so sorry to hear about your cousin!!! That is very sad. Social media makes you more connected and disconnected than ever. I still use GroupMe to communicate with several groups of friends, so when I really need to vent or totally be “myself.”
Nice post. As a blogger, I do stage my home for product reviews, but not so much as I used to at the very beginning. I don’t like people who do the rest… I’ve seen such flashy pictures of ordinary people on social media..
Haha I thought I was the only one that didn’t take spontaneous pics in my house. Something is always out of place for some reason ?. People expect you to live your entire life on the Internet… If it’s not posted then it didn’t happen. I like to leave people in the dark or make them Guess what’s going on in my personal life since they soo nosey lol
Folks think they know from reading your post online. Thanks for sharing I just talked to my students about this.
I’m curious about what your students’ views were. This is the generation that has pretty much grown up with social media.
Great read! Thanks for the candor and honesty. Sharing This!! #BLMGirl