My 3 year old has two dolls which she considers to be her favorites. For the longest time, she really had no way of differentiating between them. Then one day, she began referring to them as “the white one” and “the black one.” Of course, this was an observation she decided to first express in the crowded waiting room at the dentist’s office while I was talking to another mom who happened to be white. The woman simply pretended not to hear my daughter’s clear description of these dolls (and I so appreciated her avoidance of such an awkward moment)! I could only wonder what was going through her mind though and the terrible judgment she must have made about what I’ve taught my child.
Anyway, the minute we got back to the house, I sat her down with her dolls to address the issue. I simply held each one up and asked her calmly and casually “Which doll is this?” She clearly pointed out the white doll and the black doll. I probed a little further and asked her exactly where did she see the color white on the doll. Fully anticipating for her to point to the baby’s face, she took her finger and outlined the bodice of the doll, which happened to be…you guessed it…white cloth! I took a second to look at the “black” doll and noticed that this doll wore a black bathing suit. Hence, the white doll and the black doll! *exhale* And of course, when I changed the doll’s clothes, they became a different color. And when I asked my daughter what color was she, she replied, “She’s pink.”
Of course, while this instance was just a little misunderstanding, I know it is going to be an actual reality before I blink. From the day she came into the world, I made it my mission to instill in her a strong sense of confidence and self-esteem. From her skin color, to her hair, to everything else that makes her HER. At times, though, I think I’ve gone a little bit overboard. For example, the doll issue…
Now, most people are familiar with the infamous and heartbreaking Doll Test which has been conducted many times over the past 60+ years and repeatedly finding that young black children would chose the white dolls over the black dolls, and more disturbingly, would esteem the white ones as prettier and nicer, even AFTER acknowledging which one looks more like them.
Anyway, in light of all of that, I admit that I don’t usually make an effort to buy non-ethnic dolls for her. That’s just my truth. We’ve pretty much been going with the usual stuffed animal characters such as Elmo, Mickey Mouse, etc., but with there being a new “real” baby in the house, she’s enjoyed playing with more lifelike dolls. Of the few dolls she has, I’ve also applied the “test” to her. I learned that for the most part, she finds the dolls that actually have hair to be the prettiest, no matter what color. Go figure! But particularly with the dolls I described before, they are both bald and when it comes down to a choice between the two of them, I find myself making every effort to steer her into choosing the “black” one at every chance. I would say something like, “Don’t you love this doll? She is so pretty just like you.” I thought it sounded innocent enough until my little sister asked me, “If you’re telling her that the black doll is the pretty one, don’t you think you’re also telling her that the white one is ugly?”
OMG! Is that what I was teaching her, albeit subconsciously? While of course my intended message is definitely NOT “Love yourself and Hate others,” it made me realize that I need to make a better effort and come up with a clearer and precise message to convey to my daughter regarding how she should feel about herself and people of other races.
How do you deal with race matters with your children? More specifically, how do you make sure they are able to love and feel pride within themselves, while also appreciating other races? What is that clear, precise message our children need to know regarding how they see themselves and others.
Hello! I have a 4 year old daughter and I have not brought up the color issue at all. She has a slew of dolls and they are a mixure of races (sounds silly). But she as black and white dolls. Like you, I do not buy dolls for her. These dolls have been given to her over the last few years, but like your daughter > she likes the ones with hair. My daughter just wants to comb hair and tell those babies what to do! She plays with them all depending on how she feels. I’ve never paid attention as to which one gets more attention and why. I too tell my daughter she is beautiful and her hair is beautiful. We passed a white girl one day and Bailee commented on her hair, “I like her hair mommy!” I immediately went into defense mode. “Bailee, her hair is pretty but OMG so is yours. Did you see your hair today!” LOL! I just don’t want my daughter to want to be like anyone else BUT herself. But again we haven’t had any racial talk with her.
My son is soon to be 7 next month and this is a little different. When he was in kindergarden we were playing Chutes and Ladders. I told him to pick his player. It was a black boy and white boy. He picked the white boy. I asked why did he pick him, he said, “I like the way he looks!” My heart stopped. I said, “You don’t like this one?” Pointing to the black player. He said, he liked the blond hair (the white player). Again, I went into my save my race mode LOLOLOLO!! “This little boy looks just like you Earl! He has he afro, OMG he is so cool!” I think my son saw the dissapointment in my face and said “Ok, I will be him.” I didn’t let him though. He was trying to make me happy and that wasn’t what he wanted. So I let him choose what he wanted. But it was the first time, my eyes were open with my child about race.
I still haven’t had a talk to him specifically about race yet. I am not sure how to approach it.
So sorry for being SOOO long-winded.
“Save my race mode” – I love it! You bring up a great point though in the fact that your son was just trying to make you happy because he saw how you freaked out about the situation. I try to not make a big (obvious) deal about the whole race issue, but I want her to genuinely feel that love and pride in herself.
When my daughter was younger and she got the dolls I just never made it a point of focus. When we watch tv we talk about how girls of all colors are pretty we never put a focus on just one race. But I do make a point of telling her that I think she is pretty. She is 12 now. I also make a point of letting her know that there are going to be people who don’t like her for whatever reason they choose but that it is a reflection of them not her.
Haha! I laughed when I read the part “Then one day, she began referring to them as “the white one” and “the black one.” Hahaha! Well, I guess that’s how kids are. They will name things depends on what they think will help them to remember best. 😀 So, how’s your daughter lately? Are these dolls still her favorite?