The other day, a pretty interesting conversation was had in my household. My 5 year old, completely out of the blue, said to us:
“You know my friend X from school? His mommy is married, but her husband is a girl. He has two mommies!”
I did what any good mother would have done…I nodded my head, “OK, honey” and hoped the conversation would end.
It didn’t.
Instead, she went on and on about how cool she thought it was to not only have 2 mommies, but to have a girl as a “husband.” She’s only 5, so while I hardly took that as her attempt at “coming out,” it was inevitable that it was time to have “the talk” about same sex marriages.
Now, my husband and I have already had some pretty uncomfortable talks with our kids – from “where to babies come from” to “why do boys’ private parts look different from ours?” How well we’ve handled those…well, I guess time will tell. But this here was a “talk” we just weren’t ready for. We’ve never prepared for this type of conversation, or imagined how it would go. Hell, truth be told, we’ve never actually had this conversation with our own parents either! (…and judging by all of the gay relatives who only surfaced in my late teens, I can pretty much guess how my parents went about handing the topic.)
The first thing I had to do was to make sense of what was really happening. My daughter understood that her friend having two mommies was something different enough to bring attention to, but she didn’t know why. She clearly didn’t understand this as a debate on homosexuality, gay marriage, religion, or any more of the complicated issues we adults have associated with this topic, nor did she really care to. So, I did a little research and formed the following tips on how to talk to your curious little ones about same sex marriages:
- Use the word “Gay.” In other words, don’t make the word “gay” a bad word, or worse – don’t use an actual bad word! Doing this identifies that there is a difference, but does not form any opinion of that difference.
- Don’t pretend that half the world is gay. It’s ok to point out that it’s a minority group of people. After all, your child has clearly has already recognized that this is an unfamiliar situation from what they’re used to. What’s most important is that you do not attach a judgment to it.
- Get your mind out of the gutter.Kids don’t know or really care what gay or straight couples do behind closed doors. Enough said.
- Don’t make it about your child. Your child seeing a gay couple is not going to make your child gay. They are not seriously contemplating a change in lifestyle or anything of the sort.
- Just talk to your child. Nope, you can’t change the topic or pretend you don’t hear them. Bottom line is that they are going to be exposed to so many different types of people and families and you can’t run forever. Encourage an open dialog with your children.
So moms and dads, have you had this talk to your kids about same sex marriages? How did you handle it?
(One request – please have respect for all readers as you post your comments)
We haven’t had that “talk” even though two of A.J.’s friends have two mommies. I don’t think it’s caught his attention.
We’re African-American and I’m watching him take more notice of who’s brown and who’s not. He told me he wanted his wife to be brown, like him. I reminded him that he can have a wife of any color if he loves her.
I think when these things come up parents should keep the conversation short & sweet since they’ll probably move on to another topic in a few minutes anyway.
Thanks for the tips! I’ve thought about this before too.
Yeah, these sorts of conversations are tough. Not sure how I will handle them. These tips are helpful, but I just don’t know how I’ll really respond until it actually happens.
My children are older but we have broached the subject because they have seen it on tv. The Husband and I answered as honestly as possible. I recommend parents be as honest with the child that is appropriate for their age but don’t overload them with too much information.
When I was growing up (I’m running up on 50 really fast), my mom had quite a few people in her life (employers, co-workers, etc.) who self-identified as other than heterosexual. Some of them became close friends with my mom and we all socialized a lot. My mom never made any indication that anything was “different” or “other” about them so it was something I never questioned…
I have many friends (and a few family members) who self-identify as other than heterosexual. My daughter’s godmother has a wife… It’s all just part of the fabric of our family dynamic I guess.
My daughter (who’s 19) has never questioned so we’ve never had to have the conversation.
And now it seems that MOST of my daughter’s friends self-identify as other than heterosexual. *shrug*
I believe my mom and I had this conversation when I was a little bit older. My daughter was only about 5 at the time and I was NOT ready for that. lol
We have two friends that were having a pre-wedding thing and our daughter asked. We just said just like Mommy and I were married sometimes boys marry boys and sometimes girls marry girls. As long as they love each other it’s not any different.” That was the entire conversation. It’s really not a big deal unless you, the adult, makes it one.
That’s so cool. Children are curious, so they will ask questions. Just like other big issues, it’s the adults that attach any thoughts or judgment to things.